I haven’t licked an envelope in over two decades without thinking of George Costanza.

God: Man cannot live on bread alone.  Me: Because we also need cheese.  God: Correct.

Top 10 places to poop at work. Number 2 will surprise you.

Of course I’m fun, babe. I got us tickets to see that three hour long documentary on Saturday at 9am.

I know that I’m on my period and I’m in perimenopause, but why is everyone stupid?

Arms should be removable at bedtime.

I just had one of the best grilled cheese sandwiches of my life and needed you guys to see it. Five. FIVE cheeses. Bacon jam. Potato and arugula.

I love it when people who are newly married post tips about marriage.

Crossing your legs while sneezing counts as cardio.

[First date] Me: Tell me about your life insurance policy.

If you enjoy weird smells, teaching might be for you.

Thank you for your passive aggressive comment. I loved it so much.

Shrodingers deodorant.

“Remove bread and let cool for 1-2 hours.” Hahahaha NEVER.

So rude that again I am overlooked to perform the Super Bowl halftime show.

I ate a sandwich tonight and thought you guys should know.