Porn is so cool I wish sex was real

Hey can I come over and make airplane noises before I put it in

(Girl who shaves her pussy everyday anyway) *indignantly* I shaved my pussy for this?!?

(During sex when the other guy cums) wait that happened to me once too

Sure. I’ll spend my very limited time on Earth letting urgent care doctors repeatedly lecture me on the “right” amount of fire ants in my gut biome

People would stop putting off going to the doctor if they jacked you off. Probably applies to other types of appointments too

My new science fiction novel dare to ask: what if a robot could suck you off from the back

Dude you are so good at ordering for the whole table at the shared small plates restaurant it just sucks you can’t get hard at all :(

Acting gay off a couple of French onion soups

Hey man you got cum on my infowars shirt

License, penis, and registration please

(As my giant, extremely loud, coal-powered dick sucking machine sucks my cock clean off my body) Ah, hoisted by own petard once again

Still a few hours left in Self Suck Sunday. I really think I’m almost there this time

I put my penis in the DVD tray and it started playing Space Jam

Rating dentists on yelp based on how many fingers they can fit in my mouth

Went back in time and gave a medieval peasant a hit of my vape and he was so happy he sucked me off through my jeans

Doing Project MKULTRA to my own penis

I jacked off overhanded style instead of the usual underhanded style and and ancient Mesopotamian djin came out and offered me three wishes