CNN and the blue hairs want you to believe Florida Man is just bath salts, broken lawnmowers, and wrestling deputies in a Waffle House parking lot at 3 AM. Meanwhile in reality: two good ol' boys head offshore for grouper and stumble into a glitch in the simulation where the sky is literally raining drowned grim reapers. Think about the sheer Florida logic here. You look out over the horizon and instead of a school of baitfish, the ocean is full of soaking-wet, miserable vultures paddling around like deranged floating trash bags. Normal humans would assume the portal to hell had opened and pinned the throttles for safe harbor. Not these savages. They grab a dip net and decide today is bird rehab day. Look at the back deck of that boat. You have a dozen waterlogged scavengers stacked up like cordwood next to a Yeti bucket, reeking of wet roadkill and despair, looking like they just got kicked out of an Ozzy Osbourne cover band concert. Then one solitary vulture locks into the stern at forty miles an hour, catching sea spray in his feathers, fully accepting his new life as a high-speed nautical pirate. They didn't feed them to the bull sharks. They didn't panic. They chauffeured twenty pissed-off turkey vultures directly to an Uber drop-off in the mangroves like it was a routine Tuesday on the Gulf. God bless Florida Man. We will rescue the literal heralds of death itself if it means we get to drive a boat fast while doing it. 🦅🌊🚤💨