For reasons unknown my publicist Terry asked me to write my own prewritten obituary. Fine Cormac McCarthy - the world's most competent writer and whisky connoisseur - departed the earth on the same day a sentient wig possessed of an ancient evil was arraigned in Florida, a state governed by crocodiles He leaves behind a body of work that echoes the gritty reality of life and a Twitter account that echoes his disdain for Terry and his nurse and his nurse's idiot boyfriend Ziggy and roller rinks and Gen Z and millennials and kombucha and the Mandalorian and In life he was a man of few words. In death he is only slightly more reticent. His publicist Terry is already no doubt concocting posthumous tweets to keep the golden goose laying eggs. Terry is a venal man with no shame so we expect nothing more A man more at home with scotch and leather recliners than the company of others, Cormac elevated the term reclusive author to new heights of respectability. All authors now fancy themselves reclusive but still they speak to humans and grant interviews and acknowledge the grocery clerk with more than a grunt and nod. But not Cormac McCarthy. His literary prowess was only matched by his ability to avoid public appearances. Whether dodging book signings or exposing the infernal internet as the confusing labyrinth it is, Cormac McCarthy enlightened the feeble minded masses like that greek god with the fire who got his liver eaten by a hawk. Prometheus or whatever. I dont care what his name was. Cormac McCarthy is survived by his daughter who turned out to be a millennial despite his best efforts and his granddaughter, a TikTok video in human form. His greatest disappointment was failing to survive his lawyer Gregory. No lawyer should outlive his client. In lieu of flowers you must do three things: 1. Retweet this to increase its metrics something something who cares 2. Read Air Turbulence, a comedic stage play he wrote under the absurd pseudonym Daniel Watts, and send a DM if you want to produce it locally drive.google.com/drive/folde… 3. Give thanks that the First Amendment has strong protections for obvious parody of public figures