melissa retweeted
If you want an omen for 2021 that this year may be a wee bit different, may I suggest Exhibit 1a: The #Bills.
melissa retweeted
🕺🏾🕺🏾🕺🏾
Think this team is staying loose?
Here's the #Bills dancing to "Can't Touch This" at practice 😂
melissa retweeted
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home
Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
melissa retweeted
Me, writing an email:
I'm using an exclamation point so you know I'm friendly and excited! But now I'm using a period so that you know I'm not crazy. Here's another sentence with a period as a buffer, proving my normalness. Thanks so much!
melissa retweeted
Before you marry someone:
1. Listen to them eat a bowl of cereal.
2. Ask them which side of the bed they sleep on.
3. Watch them brush their teeth.
4. Make sure you are temperature compatible.
5. Survive one cold and flu season at minimum.
melissa retweeted
If you set out to cheat and deceive others you’ll be tense and anxious in case you’re found out. But if you live your life and conduct your business on the basis of truth and honesty, it gives you a sense of satisfaction and self-confidence that is also a source of inner strength
melissa retweeted
I'm just saying if McDonald's is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
melissa retweeted
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
melissa retweeted
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
melissa retweeted
A lot of people make fun of passengers for applauding after the plane lands but to be honest if I was a pilot I wouldn’t let anyone off until they’d clapped for me
