A Beginner’s Guide to Earning Trump’s Friendship ❤️. Many of America’s allies are feeling discouraged right now, and honestly, that’s understandable. Europe, Canada, Japan, Australia, South Korea: you’ve all worked terribly hard. You joined NATO. You went to Afghanistan and came home in flag-draped coffins alongside the Americans. You hosted their bases, bought their F-35s, shared your intelligence, and enforced their sanctions. And after all that effort, you find yourselves tariffed, scolded, and stripped of your military exercises. Don’t be embarrassed. Lots of democracies make these mistakes. The good news is that the formula for presidential affection is well documented, and with a few simple adjustments, you too can be described as “unthreatening and respectful.” Lesson one: elections. You’re still holding them. Competitive ones, with outcomes you don’t know in advance. This reads as needy. The gold standard here is leader-for-life, though Russia offers a helpful intermediate option where you hold elections but arrest everyone who might win them. Lesson two: your opposition. Currently your critics write newspaper columns and go home for dinner. This is beginner stuff. Best practice is imprisoning them along with their children and grandchildren. Commitment is measured in generations. If a labour camp feels ambitious, start small. A nerve agent in the underpants worked wonders for one recent Nobel-adjacent friendship, and the critic in question was later allowed to die quietly in an Arctic prison, which kept things tidy. Lesson three: your defence budget. You’ve been spending it on American weapons, which is flattering but forgettable. Consider instead letting your population go hungry while you build missiles capable of reaching Los Angeles. Fire one into the sea the week before an important announcement. This is called maintaining the relationship. Lesson four, and this is the counterintuitive one: stop helping America. North Korea has threatened to incinerate American cities for decades and received compliments about its leader’s strength and beautiful letters. The data speaks for itself. Advanced students may consider invading a neighbour, kidnapping its children, and flattening its cities. This sounds like a lot of admin, but Russia reports excellent results, including summits, phone calls, and warm words on social media at a frequency Ottawa can only dream of. So take heart, democracies. Your mistake was never a lack of effort. Your mistake was assuming America’s friendship could be earned by being America’s friend. Stay connected, Follow Gandalv @Microinteracti1