“We’re gonna need a bigger boat,” I say, sexually attracted to large boats

Sorry, I can’t cum to the phone right now. It’s not sexy enough

Texted my kids a photo of the new puppy and when they saw it they texted back, “that’s not a puppy, it’s a small man!” So I took a closer look and it said, “please let me go back to my family,” and then I pictured this tiny man with his tiny family and just started laughing

I’ll stop queefing when you stop queefing, Amber

The guy who invented pooping has gotta be a millionaire

Tube protip: if you’re ever stuck inside a large tube, reach for an even larger tube

Chest pains are a sign that you’re a good person and that things are going well

I’ll smell better later