It’s polling day in the only democracy in the Middle East that is carrying out a genocide—and the big question on every Zionist’s lips is: Should we choose the guy who is currently destroying Gaza, or one of his rivals who think they could do a better job? Prime minister Voldemort seems unlikely to win this time around, but he might hold onto power if he can form a coalition with some of the most evil villains in existence. Again. Many Zionists think it’s time for Voldemort to step aside, but I don’t think we should forget his contribution to the Greater Israel Project. He’s the guy who funnelled $1 billion to Hamas and then ignored warnings about October 7 so he had an excuse for genocide. If it wasn’t for Voldemort, Gaza would still be standing, so we owe him a lot. On the down side, he keeps losing fights to Iran and also to an 11-year-old boy, and that’s a bit embarrassing. Voldemort’s main challenger is Sauron. He’s a controversial character because he prefers a moderate approach to genocide. He wants to make Israel look respectable while it expands its borders to encompass all of Middle Earth. The former IDF chief is known for his patient approach towards Lebanon known as the Dahiya Doctrine. Here’s what he once said about it: “What happened in the Dahiya quarter of Beirut in 2006 will happen in every village from which Israel is fired on... We will apply disproportionate force on it and cause great damage and destruction there.” Sauron has criticised Netanyahu for security failings on October 7, but he could not explain how he would’ve started genocide without those failings. The incoherence of his message is Sauron’s biggest weakness, but if he’s finally got the One Ring, this race is over. Western liberals are hopeful that a nice guy like Sauron can take control of Israel so that they can blame the country’s recent crimes on Voldemort. If he loses, there’s a real chance that Voldemort could face the wrath of the law. No, not for genocide, silly! Israelis will give Voldemort a medal for that. But he might have to pay one or two of the parking fines he’s been dodging. Accountability for politicians is what separates a real democracy like Israel from all those savage countries that it can’t stop bombing. Voldemort actually wanted to start bombing Iran again, so he could postpone repayment of those parking fines. However, the current IDF chief is too principled for that. He doesn’t want to start an illegal war until the matter of those parking fines is resolved. The other challengers in this election—Darth Vader, Skeletor, Mumm Ra, Mr Burns, Bowser, and Hannibal Lecter—are unlikely to win outright, but depending on how things pan out, could still find themselves as part of a coalition. Their views on genocide are certainly interesting. For example, Darth Vader wants to fire a Death Star at the last partially functioning hospital in Gaza, and publicly execute his opponents with a psychic throat grab. Skeletor wants to create a cosy holiday resort in Gaza and hopes to rebuild Castle Greyskull over the bones of Palestinian children. And Hannibal Lecter is eager to turn Gaza into a human cattle ranch. The other contenders are far too moderate for my liking and are best ignored. All that matters is that whoever wins, Palestinians will keep getting murdered, Trump will be blackmailed into restarting the Iran war, an Epstein statue will be built in Jerusalem, and everyone who criticises this insanity will be called an antisemite.

Following Lula’s surprise win in the Brazilian presidential election, Netanyahu has announced that Brazil is just three weeks away from developing a nuclear weapon. Given he has a 100% track record of being wrong about these things, we should take the warning very seriously. Netanyahu is worried he could lose the Israeli election after his army chief refused to bomb Iran to boost his chances. Therefore, he desperately needs a last-minute bogey man to scare Israelis into re-electing him. The Brazilian president fits the bill because he once described Israel as a “terrorist state”. Clearly, something must be done about Lula because no one who tells the truth about Israel is allowed to lead a country. Last night’s result was truly a crime against humanity. Polymarket bros were burying their heads as Lula took a shock lead in an election he wasn’t supposed to win. When the final result came in, President Trump took the calm and measured step of immediately rejecting it. Reassuringly, the US Navy is expected to start bombing Brazilian fishing boats in the next few hours. No one seriously expected it would come to this, given the fascist wave that’s swept across Latin America. Trump and Netanyahu had conducted a range of liberations on the continent, such as kidnapping Venezuela’s president and flipping the voting machines in Colombia. No wonder they were confident they could pull off a coup in Brazil. The good people at Meta were so keen to help out that they banned Lula from running electoral ads. An infuriated Lula said: “We cannot have monstrously huge corporations earning millions and billions, paying no taxes to this country, and trying to steer this country’s election results.” This proves Lula is a dictator who needs to be stopped—and we tried. We really tried. On election night, Bolsonaro’s henchmen shut down public transport in pro-Lula areas, and even cut the power cable to one polling station, but the Brazilian Supreme Court used this as an excuse to extend voting hours. Of course, none of this would’ve mattered if Brazilian voters weren’t idiots. It should’ve been such an easy choice: the former steel worker who lost a finger at work versus the man who has never worked a day in his life. Obviously, nepo baby Flavio is on the side of ordinary workers. He’s a clone of the jailed super-villain whose only goal is the total destruction of the Amazon. Mini-Bolsonaro offered the mouthwatering prospect of gangsterism and the end of breathable air. 48% of Brazilians thought that was a brilliant idea, but the other 52% reminded us why democracy is a failed experiment. Just look at Lula’s tyranny: the monster reduced the workday without loss of salary and then strutted over to the UN to defend Palestine and Cuba. During his third term poverty and inequality fell, while unemployment, illiteracy and deforestation hit record lows. Bolsonaro vowed to reverse all of these things and give Brazil’s resources to Trump. He also vowed to tongue kiss the wall in Israel. Now the only thing he’s gonna be tongue-kissing is the wall in his jail cell. Victory would’ve meant Bolsonaro avoided prison for corruption, money laundering, and tax evasion. No wonder he refuses to accept the result. It’s turning into a truly terrible week for fascists. We’d already lost one amazing tyrant yesterday in Vucic, and now we’re facing the prospect of a Trump wipe out in the midterms and a Netanyahu defeat in Israel. I’m just consoling myself with the fact that the alternatives to Netanyahu are even worse—and the alternatives to MAGA are no better.