David (@DefinitiveDavid) header
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David

@DefinitiveDavid

Dad, Techie, Midlife Crisis Expert, #LFGM #BlackLivesMatter

 Connecticut
teapawt.net/search?q=from:definitivedavid/exclude:replies
Joined November 2017
  • Tweets3.6K
  • Following707
  • Followers682
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My daughter is officially a teenager. It’s all downhill from here, right?
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my kid: that looks like the really old Mario, the 90s Mario me: ouch
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So who wants to help me build old Twitter?
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Is this what it felt like to run out of minutes on a cellular plan in 2003?
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Dang it! He kills Twitter just as the tweet about my bush was taking off. Coincidence, I think not.
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I will happily live with the manufacturer’s sticker on an item for the rest of my life than the sticky residue for twenty years.
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Me: *shaves my beard off* Every female I know: You’re dead to me.
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What base is it when he tells me to calm down?
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*shakes Magic 8 Ball* Me: Will my teenager ever thank me for driving her everywhere? Magic 8 Ball: Very doubtful.
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My husband pushed me off of him once so he could watch the previews for the following week's Quantico. I'll use that against him until the day he dies.
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Countries are just gangs with more paperwork.
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Welcome to your 40s. You now have an upstairs and downstairs pair of glasses.
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Retweet now and you'll get a free deviled egg plate
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I have sick kids, pray for my sanity
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"Do you smoke the devil's lettuce?" Mom, why the fuck would I smoke coleslaw
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I prefer my disasters slightly mitigated.
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