David (@DefinitiveDavid) header
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David

@DefinitiveDavid

Dad, Techie, Midlife Crisis Expert, #LFGM #BlackLivesMatter

 Connecticut
teapawt.net/search?q=from:definitivedavid/exclude:replies
Joined November 2017
  • Tweets3.6K
  • Following707
  • Followers682
105Media
Photo by David (@DefinitiveDavid)Photo by David (@DefinitiveDavid)Photo by David (@DefinitiveDavid)Photo by David (@DefinitiveDavid)Photo by David (@DefinitiveDavid)Photo by David (@DefinitiveDavid)Photo by David (@DefinitiveDavid)Photo by David (@DefinitiveDavid)Photo by David (@DefinitiveDavid)Photo by David (@DefinitiveDavid)
my kid: that looks like the really old Mario, the 90s Mario me: ouch
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Is this what it felt like to run out of minutes on a cellular plan in 2003?
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Dang it! He kills Twitter just as the tweet about my bush was taking off. Coincidence, I think not.
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I will happily live with the manufacturer’s sticker on an item for the rest of my life than the sticky residue for twenty years.
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What base is it when he tells me to calm down?
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My husband pushed me off of him once so he could watch the previews for the following week's Quantico. I'll use that against him until the day he dies.
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Countries are just gangs with more paperwork.
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Retweet now and you'll get a free deviled egg plate
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I have sick kids, pray for my sanity
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"Do you smoke the devil's lettuce?" Mom, why the fuck would I smoke coleslaw
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I prefer my disasters slightly mitigated.
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Everyday I like to… *tosses Q-tip into that tiny spot behind the bathroom garbage can*
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Him: I’d treat you like an absolute queen! Me: I want 5 corgis and a Land Rover.
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Rating every movie I watch with how many minutes I last without looking at my phone.
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They warned me to watch out for the cow manure, but I think that's bullshit.
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Currently letting my 2yo unravel a whole roll of toilet paper so I can get 15 minutes of peace.
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Me: My friends all think I'm paranoid. Doctor: Relax, they're not your friends.
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Twitter: When You're Too Lazy to Drive To The Open Mic Night
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I want to do more than just write on Twitter. Someday I want to direct tweets.
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I'm suspicious of people who don't like Seinfeld.
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