Mr. Gander (@GFGander) header
Mr. Gander (@GFGander) profile picture

Mr. Gander

@GFGander

Blathering about nonsense since 2012.

 New Jersey, USA
favstar.fm/users/gfgander/recent
Joined August 2012
  • Tweets48.6K
  • Following858
  • Followers2.5K
431Media
Photo by Mr. Gander (@GFGander)Photo by Mr. Gander (@GFGander)Photo by Mr. Gander (@GFGander)Photo by Mr. Gander (@GFGander)Photo by Mr. Gander (@GFGander)Photo by Mr. Gander (@GFGander)Photo by Mr. Gander (@GFGander)Photo by Mr. Gander (@GFGander)Photo by Mr. Gander (@GFGander)
I'm rubber and you're glue. She's tape. He's a stapler. Those guys are paper clips. All my friends are office supplies.
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Mr. Gander retweeted
kim (@KimmyMonte) profile picture
kim@KimmyMonte13 Apr 2017
How to prepare for your vacation: •unplug the plants •leave radio on for the oven •have mail forwarded to the sun •buy trial size shoes •ham
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I was trying so hard not to scream out loud at 2AM when I saw this last night
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Mr. Gander retweeted
ghost mom (@radtoria) profile picture
ghost mom@radtoria20 Mar 2017
Son, it's time we talked about the birds and the bees. Why are there so many dead ones under your bed? Has your urge to kill grown stronger?
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Mr. Gander retweeted
Mave (@MavenofHonor) profile picture
Mave@MavenofHonor9 Mar 2017
If you must imagine an otter wearing a lil top hat, AT LEAST add a pretend chin strap so he doesn't lose it in the ocean
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"Labia" is both the singular & plural form of the word. Like "Deer". So "deer labia" could literally involve ANY amount of deer vaginas!
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The difference between jelly and jam is that i don't enjoy jellying things in my bunghole
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Heard of the mongoose diet but can't find enough snake eggs? Try the nongoose diet! it's pretty much everything in the universe except geese
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[soldier holds me after I've been shot] me: tell your wife...i love her soldier: you're gonna be o- wait what
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frighteningly upbeat waiter threatens us with an explanation of the restaurant's concept
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Mr. Gander retweeted
mo (@chuuew) profile picture
mo@chuuew7 Nov 2015
Me: I'd invite you in but my place is a mess Friend: That's OK. I don't mind M: The mess tho F: Don't be silly M: I don't want u in my house
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WARDEN: any last words ME: come closer WARDEN: *leans down* yes? ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
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*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note* "Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne." *Santa grows very pale*
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Shivering, she pages through her old yearbook... "I stayed cool you guys." Her voice echoes through the frozen, empty hallways. "So cool."
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"Homosexuality is a choice!" Screams a politician from the podium. "A rad choice," He whispers later, in the well-muscled arms of his lover
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Last night I went to a hardware store with my dad and a lady was leaving the store with a shovel and my dad yelled UH OH SHOVEL TIME at her
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"Dave, what year is your car?" "'69." "Nice." … "Did you get a 1969 car so you could say 69 and people could say nice?" "…maybe." "…nice."
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Mr. Gander retweeted
andrew (@AndrewChamings) profile picture
andrew
@AndrewChamings7 Feb 2017
ME [sexting] …and you'll shiver as our moths gently touch HER: lol typo mouths *putting David Hasselmoth back into his net* next time pal
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here i go here i go here i go again. girls what's my weakness, dying alone in a hellish dystopian landscape, okay then
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"This is legit to quit," I say, surveying the crime scene. "Yes," mutters detective reverend Hammer. "A little too legit to quit."
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