Patch Lambert

Would you rather fight 1000 Elon Musks Penis-sized horses or 1000 horse-sized Elon Musk penises

RIP Wellington trampolines

Taking it slow going into roundabouts cause I never know how much people are planning to commit to the "round" part

90 percent of parenting is telling your kid what is and isn't a breakfast food and then eating a piece of cake the second they walk through the school gate

"ahh should've got milk" - me at 10pm on Sunday after already going to the supermarket twice this weekend

"would you like to print your receipt?" "No" "Okay here's your receipt that we've printed"

Spent the night in hospital because of Covid. They needed a urine sample and after the test the absolute gem of a nurse said "your wees looks good. You've got good looking wees." So really just taking this opportunity to brag about a much needed self esteem boost.

God has 100 percent been leaving everyone's prayers on `Seen'

"hey guys just a quick memo that it's business as usual back at the office on Monday" - your boss when the nukes start falling

Is there a lost property box at the police station filled with tents now

Genuine question do the police roster who gets a shield Or is it case by case basis "David you got shit thrown at you so you can have a shield tomorrow... No the shield won't come back if you do a spinny throw. Anyone pretending to be the cap gets a 3 week shield ban"

They ride in single file to hide their numbers

I feel like everyone in Wellington not part of the protest should be allowed at least one free parking or minor law infringement

In just one week this show be live at Cavern Club as part of the Wellington Fringe Festival. It's utter nonsense and I am so proud of it.

On the tag of my cap it says "I used to be a bottle!" Okay settle the fuck down Optimus we were all something else once - like I used to have a hairline and now your job is to act as a toupee without the stigma

"good day for a kayak" Someone in NZ, probably

Thanks to the mask mandate, I sit on the bus and smile stupdidly at a message I've received and not look like a dick. And I think that's pretty fucken neat

Love this. Motley Crue can go in the bin.