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Max

@MaxOBren
Joined March 2015
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jesus: ask me anything? me: why is the word 'god' backwards 'dog'? *jesus doesnt answer me because he's too busy licking his balls*
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[1st Date] (Okay, don't let her know you're addicted to eating fruit) Me: This is good [2nd Date] [3rd Date] [4th Date] [5th Date] Her: Stop
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Me: I've been really into Portlandia Mrs Seinfeld: ooh I love that show it's so good Seinfeld: but is it Seinfeld good MS: shut up jerry
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Me: now remember puppy you need to get red plastic cups for my party *puppy hopelessly staring down long aisle of grey cups at the grocery*
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Fish 1: I think we're meant for each other Fish 2: it's like destiny or something [buy 1 get 1 free tank at pet store]
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[DEATH ROW] WARDEN: Last meal? CON: Just a glass of lemonade please *Drinks lemonade/Burps* WARDEN: Pardon [CON WALKS FREE] W: SHIT
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[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend] *professional stuntman do not attempt*
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[NASA] Houston there is a problem, I repeat there is a problem "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" It's your attitude you keep making Neil cry "Pussy"
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"do you have a GPS? I think we're lost" Check the glove compartment for a map "Maps? How old are y…*startled by my globe collection*
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*holds sea shell up to ear* "Today's oceans sounds are sponsored by joes BBQ, where deliciousness floats free…" *ocean sounds*
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It's a bird. It's a plane. It's superman. Wait no it's a dragon. Fuck it's chasing me. Someone please call superman
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"There is no God ONLY DANCE" *then does a ballerina spin and uses the momentum to kick bible into fireplace*
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I have 20 dream catchers "20 dream catchers… wow are you a virgin" *nervously* Who told you? Was it the dreams? One day I'll stop them
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"Have you tried... not thinking about skeletons?" my therapist asks. I look at her. I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
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[se7en script writers] How about, what's in the bin "No that sounds weird" What's in the bag "We're so close I can feel it"
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Michael Jordan: I'm sorry they won't let you on the carousel son Son: I know MJ: I have an idea *picks up son and spins him on his finger*
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[jesus at AA meeting] "My fucking blood is wine"
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Mom: Jonny is on the honor role Dad: *looks up from newspaper* which one is Jonny again W: you know…your only son F: oh…the fat one
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[Flightless birds after watching Dumbo] "This is fucking bullshit"
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