Max retweeted
[1st Date]
(Okay, don't let her know you're addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
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[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
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[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Max retweeted
"Have you tried... not thinking about skeletons?" my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
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*Jesus excitedly runs home from school*
"dad, dad! I made the football team"
*God peers over his newspaper*
"well i made FUCKING EVERYTHING"
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"I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!"
- Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Max retweeted
[Writing Silence of the Lambs]
Anyone have an idea for the cannibal's name?
Jim: Hannibal?
Anyone?
Jim: Hannibal
Anyone other than Jim?
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Dad, I'm starving
"Hi starving, I'm drunk lol"
Dad please stop drinking and buy us some groceries
Max retweeted
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What'll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
