Before Twitter I used to hang out in a lighthouse and flash my thoughts using an Aldis lamp.
United States
Joined January 2014
- Tweets379K
- Following10.4K
- Followers19.7K
- Likes331K
Pinned Tweet
Girl, are you a junk refrigerator left by the curb with the door still attached? Because I want to put a baby in you.
Horatio Quartzjixler retweeted
Donβt you hate in the middle of the night when you reach over for water, but you accidentally grab your nightstand gravy cup?
Horatio Quartzjixler retweeted
Apparently the fun part of fun sized candy bars is that Iβll eat 37 of those but not a regular sized one because Iβm dieting.
Horatio Quartzjixler retweeted
Ketchup,Mayo, Worcestershire sauce,garlic powder,salt,black pepper
Chicken tendy sauce
Heimlich maneuver - abdominal thrusts to dislodge an object caught in someone's airway (frequently used).
Heinrich Himmler maneuver - abdominal thrusts to dislodge a chicken farmer into a career as ReichsfΓΌhrer-SS (rarely used).
Not buying it, guy in an 80s movie drinking in a dive bar who's just a little too interested in a cartoon playing on the TV.
My special talent is that when I am watching a reel I can always tell when someone is about to be kicked in the balls.
Horatio Quartzjixler retweeted
I do know his name, but to me he will forever be the βmotherfucker I watched eat a 22oz ribeye in five minutes.β
Horatio Quartzjixler retweeted
Tonight my yoga teacher told the class we deserve to be seen and loved. WHAT?!
Horatio Quartzjixler retweeted
Top 2 professions of 2027:
- Person who tells you whether or not something is AI.
- Someone who gets paid to cry.
