Sam Strake

Therapy App: “Have you ever had unaliving thoughts?” Me: "Ask me 2 or 3 more questions before letting me make an appointment and bitch I might be"

🎶 Dad don't you think that's too much pressure to put upon a young boy just here to watch the band 🎶

Any physical or mental health advice that tells you to sleep more may as well say "find a portal to fucking Narnia"

Santa won't be here for another 4 months- these will make it till then, right? Right?

More like Livin' La Weed A Toke-a, am I right? Hello? Is this thing on?

"And on the 7th day God said... nothing you idiots, God's dead and locked in my basement (ha-ha!)" -Nietzsche probably

@DaveOshry your beef with Dane Cook made it into the Google ai robot

I love the phrase "bust a nut" because if you first heard it without any context you'd assume it meant getting so angry that you lose it, instead of the exact opposite.

Happy 8/08 to all who celebass

The biblical name for these is Chomp Cheese. All others are false prophets.

Spine Doctor: Are you sexually active? Me: Not really. Doctor: Oh... will you be soon? Me: Probably not. Doctor: I see. I'll go print the "Back stretches for people who understand the ending of Evangelion" list then.

The Brickster did nothing wrong.

I love hanging out with my improv friends because it's a good reminder that maybe some anxiety is good actually

Mountain Dew Baja Crash

I'm like 90% sure Nicholas Hoult auditions for the lead role in every movie he's in, then the directors make him sit and watch every other actor's audition before casting him as the cuck.

In the last week I've seen both Lady Gaga and Weird Al live. I did not expect Weird Al to have more outfit changes.

I would get recognized in public, for the first time ever- after spending all last week at the largest nerd convention in the world, at the fucking Weird Al concert lmao

But they were all of them deceived, for another energy drink was made. In the land of Boca Raton, Florida, the Dark Lord Celcius forged in secret a Fifth Loko, to control all others. And into this drink he poured his cruelty, his malice, and High Noon Vodka.