@Scottzilla667

Just do what the rock says...the one up there... https://xitter.cf/t.co/BtNYG7gdSF

Joined August 2014
  • Tweets87.5K
  • Following3.3K
  • Followers2.4K
383Media
Her: I bought a wireless bra today. Him: What's the password?
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Natalie Would@_NatalieWouldOct 25
2 apples a day bring the doctor back
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Ꮍᴀᴇʟ@elle91Oct 21
A Hooters, but for ass men. Call it Tooters
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[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
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Lori@Cornjerker78Oct 22
“What do you call your cat?” Me: “your highness” works
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One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
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Got banned for life from working in McDonald's on my first day for shouting YES McCHEF every time an order came in.
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David Hughes@david8hughes1 Dec 2016
[picking son up from karate] Me: how was it? Son: good, we learned- Me [chop to his throat]: fuck all, you learned absolutely fuck all
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Not Today Eric
@NotTodayEricOct 21
Fine. I will rise, but shining is out of the question.
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Natalie Would@_NatalieWouldOct 21
The skeletons in my closet are forming a mariachi band
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I saw a 'Book Of Opposites' at the store today and couldn't help but wonder why they didn't call it a Contradictionary.
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Natalie Would@_NatalieWouldOct 20
I'm "if I don't take an umbrella it's not going to rain" stupid
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David Hughes@david8hughes4 Jun 2017
Me: will I find a wife Fortune teller: no Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
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Ꮍᴀᴇʟ@elle91Oct 16
Me: "Don't you dare" sounds perfectly normal but "do not you dare" sounds ridiculous which is insane because "don't" is a contraction for "do not." Doctor: I meant is anything bothering you physically
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Lori@Cornjerker7831 May 2022
You ever notice how much better food tastes when you’re actually hungry?
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I don’t want to brag but I’ve already got a jump on my holiday weight gain.
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Natalie Would@_NatalieWouldOct 14
Pardon my French fries
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Natalie Would@_NatalieWouldOct 14
my family crest is a coupon
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Trey@treydaywayOct 14
I wonder if people who talk with their hands also do it while on the phone
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Lori@Cornjerker78Oct 14
“This isn’t about you” Me: well we’ll see about that
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octopus/caveman@octopuscavemanOct 14
I really feel like I am back and I feel so bad for feeling sorry for myself and thinking I would never paint again. I love you guys. Thanks for putting up with me being a dramatic scared baby sometimes.
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