Stalling

Ever had the Guardian’s Orders? That’s when you get home and realize the reason you are only just now finally able to poop is that, in a protective act, your body was not going to allow you to suffer the indignity of taking such a demon shit in public.

Ever had the Omerta? That's when you leave a dead body smell in the bathroom and then deny you were ever there and claim to know nothing about it.

Ever had the Chuck Mangione? That’s when your poop debuts with performative bugle-like audio production but the visual offering is an intricate mess that can only be described by a German word.

Ever had the Tipper Gore? That’s when the scene in your toilet bowl is so heinous that, by law, it should require a parental advisory warning to protect the innocence of others.

Ever had The Field Medic? That’s when you’re away from home and have to bite down on the folded up cardboard of a dispensed toilet paper roll in order to not audibly cry out from the pain of squeezing out an oversized log

Ever had The Morning Mass Lesson? That’s when your toilet deposit looks like something used to teach Algebra students about mass via volume displacement #twoop #twooping

Ever had the Reanimated Caveman? It’s when your insides are freed from being frozen in time, and you spend half a day pooping out backlogged logs

🙋🏻‍♂️

Ever had the Spooky Dookie? It’s when the energy efficient lights shut off before the end of your session and you can’t catch the motion detector to turn them back on, so have to finish in the dark.

Ate some leftover possibly undercooked chicken thighs. I now have atrocious gas and my bubble gut sounds like it's auditioning for a part as a beaker in Dr. Jekyk's lab. I’m now pretty sure those were the culprits of my diarrhea two nights ago.

Sometimes, I hate the internet. Like when I try to explain my gas is due to NyQuil Farts and 15 seconds later, Mrs. Stalling is flaunting web facts about a stage 4 clinical trial pretty much empirically proving that NyQuil farts are not a thing. They’re still real to me though.

Running this one back in 2023

Sometimes, I hate the internet. Like when I try to explain my gas is due to NyQuil Farts and 15 seconds later, Mrs. Stalling is flaunting #facts about a stage 4 clinical trial pretty much empirically proving that NyQuil Farts are not a thing. Really internet? You’re killing me

Ever had El Libertador? That moment when you’ve been in the car for several hours then you get out and stretch and your body says, “Ooooh yeah, it’s time.” And several days of excess quickly and cleanly evacuates and you feel several pounds lighter and free #twoop #twooping

That was a biblical beating that I believe was foretold in Russ 41:6 #BroncosCountry #letsride #blessed

The long term plan to have 8 Mark Lemkes on the 40-man roster at the same time is within reach

Are you the reason Sandy retired?

“I’m not a TV lawyer, but I play one when I practice law” The best lawyers that money (which will never be paid) can buy continue to shit the bed.

As a Broncos fan, I’m no longer allowed to be opposed to the horse you rode in on, but you can still fuck off.

How long would it take most Americans to flush 10 boxes worth of Presidential documents? He left the White House over 6 months ago…