I'm hoping to work with the BBC on their proposed new series of Top Gear as diversity officer. Obviously the chemistry between three presenters is vital to the formula, so I propose: - a gay dwarf - a Black disabled lesbian - a bisexual Muslim woman who will appear only in full burqa Maybe Tom Cruise, Diane Abbott and Ilhan Omar? [Legal disclaimer: Tom Cruise is not known to be gay and has publicly undergone relationships with a number of women]

Just heard from a friend of mine. He says he and his wife haven't had sex in five years. I explained to him that he needs to leave that b*tch. She doesn't respect him and sees him as a beta male. Either that or he needs to step up, go to the gym and work on himself. His marriage is a sham, I told him. They're basically just roommates. He eventually decided to get a divorce and look for someone new on Tinder, but he's still worrying about the effect this will have on their 3 children. "Albert," I told him, "your youngest is 72 now. He'll understand."

Netflix series idea: Omar's Farm. Each season follows a year on the farm of a Palestinian farmer. We watch as Omar fights off Zionists who are eyeing his dates suspiciously and struggles to harvest enough silage to feed his family of 4 wives, 15 children, 12 goats and 6 Israeli hostages. Omar's life is enlivened by visits from Greta Thunberg and performances by Kneecap and Macklemore. The endless stress caused his weight to drop to only 300 lbs. Will he succeed in digging another two miles of tunnels by the winter (for growing potatoes)?