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I wouldn't wish white dreads on my worst enemy.

Thinking about entering Hollywood as a serious actor. My stage name will be Daniel Night Lewis Shyamalan.

Why don't they ever play baseball backwards? Just for once, I want 3rd base to be 1st base.

I hate when my partner gets killed and I start to investigate the murder but my captain calls me in the office to tell me he's already given the case to two other detectives... because I'm too close to this one.

Your mom started calling my junk LeBron James last night. All because I got too drunk and anytime she touched it, it just flopped. - and because my dick has a beard without a mustache and will never be as good as Jordan.

Your mom goes to authentic Mexican restaurants and orders fractured tacos.

Your mom eats boogers...and not even her own, like a normal person.

Why would I ever get married? I don't even practice husbandry

Sub'd Netflix just to watch movies I can't get anywhere else. Since Friday, I've watched 4 of 20 movies on my list. #ArmyofTheDead currently playing. Uhhhmm....I LOVE ELLA PURNELL. GAWWWWWD her eyeballs kill me. If she were in every movie, I'd extend my subscription forever.