I think I’m funny 🤷🏻‍♂️

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

I’m not saying my fart stank, but I walked into my own fart cloud and saw the devil. Ok, it stank. Like, really bad.

I can tell you’re jealous of me by the way you count your Monopoly money when I pass Go.

I’m not saying I’m more of man than you, but the force of my urine stream lifted me off the ground.

Me: *calls Kenny* Come on, come on, pick up! Kenny! I messed up, man! I started counting my money while sitting at the table and everybody is staring at me! I don’t know when to run! WHEN DO I RUN, KENNY? I’m gonna run, man, I’m gonna run! *starts running* Kenny: Who is this?

Me: I remember when people used to care about what I sa... Waitress: *walks away, mid sentence, without my drink order*

Him: So how many times have you farted on my pillow. Me: Just enough to give you double pink eye. Him: *eyes glued shut with gunk* If I could see right now...

I dreamed Harry had sex with the Sorting Hat. His dick was Slytherin.

Me: *singing* Pretty woman, walking down the street. *waits for reaction* Pretty woman, the kind I’d like to meet. *waits* Pretty... Guy with long hair: *turns around* I’m a dude! Me: ...*sings* Dude looks like a lady!

The most difficult part about dressing up as Pinocchio at Disney World is maintaining the erection all day.

Wait, how would a bad kisser know if somebody was a good kisser? Could a good kisser be mistaken as a bad kisser cuz the bad kisser receiving the kiss doesn’t know how to kiss? 🤔

That “chef” was so angry when you sent your food back. Good times.

General: Fire at will! Will: What the frick did I do?

I’m surprised there isn’t more slipping while wearing slippers.

Happy 245th Birthday to the United States Marine Corps! Thank you for giving me the much needed stepping stone into adulthood. I was 7 days out of high school when I went to boot camp. I am thankful for everything I learned and for helping me become a better man. #USMC