BestTweets.com

❥ @adamisacson Just had a couple of fillings changed. Not sure how long I was in the dentist's chair- fourteen, maybe fifteen Coldplay songs

❥ @badbanana Stopped by Target. They already have their decorations up for Christmas 2013.

❥ @TheBeauBock Time travel screws with my head. One minute I'm demonstrating flux capacitors to President Bieber, the next I'm back in 2010.

❥ @ conanobrienswyf I'm growing marijuana on all my friends' abandoned Farmville accounts.

❥ @samhey Taking the kids out for sushi, or as we call it, Finding Nemo.

❥ @spiderslogans Keep bibliophiles away from my children #rally4sanity #colbertrally

❥ @biorhythmist Don't ask her about the band-aid don't ask her about the band-aid don't ask her. “What happened to your face?” Dammit.

❥ @randomisms I don't call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.

❥@badbanana Full of peace and calm this morning. Googled my symptoms and found out I died in my sleep.

❥ @badbanana Don't dismiss a Donald Trump presidency. The man knows how to look successful while sitting atop a bankrupt empire.

❥ @cpinck My phone reception is so clear, I can hear my wife’s eyes rolling as I talk.

❥ @robdelaney I hate it when people.

❥ @commala1999 I'll never be the girl who walks in the room and commands everyone's attenHEY! Can you at least finish reading this tweet?!

❥ @haurdCider The outdoor scenes took all the realism out of "The Social Network".

❥ @torrez Open my favorite web forum…50 people arguing about a coffee grinder reviewer's motivations…close my favorite web forum.

❥ @badbanana I wonder if any non-famous people have died recently.

❥ @BettyLies I'm thinking of re-releasing my old tweets in 3D.

❥ @juliasegal If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.

❥ @badbanana Jimmy Carter was hospitalized today. Doctors say he'll be up and feeling superior to the other ex-presidents in no time.

❥ @thedayhascome Today is already shaping up to be a "Keyboard not found. Press any key to continue." kind of day.