I came here to laugh at you ~♡ Drummer for Adrenalin @chesscow
H·O·L·ⓞ·G·R·A·M
Joined June 2011
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Slam Squat-Thrust retweeted
excuse me 911? yes i'm calling because my cat's head is very small. her head is so small, and soft, like a little apricot, which is why i need an ambulance
Slam Squat-Thrust retweeted
me: hey what's your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Slam Squat-Thrust retweeted
“And who are you wearing?” the red carpet interviewer asks.
“I don’t have exact names or anything, but my outfit comprises the tanned and dyed skin of 7…maybe 8?…of my victims,” I say. “Also I think you meant to ask WHOM are you wearing.”
Slam Squat-Thrust retweeted
Under Earth’s yellow star, Superman was all but immortal. He watched humanity rise and fall, and lingered in the ruins long after their demise.
Billions of years passed, and the sun bloated into a red giant. The planet was bathed in red solar radiation, and he smiled. “Finally.”
Slam Squat-Thrust retweeted
The zookeeper mutters something that sounds like "Draculape" as they load several more rifles into their golf cart.
Slam Squat-Thrust retweeted
coworker: it’s rainin’ tiddies out there
me: [grabbing my coat] oh for real?
coworker: wait don’t-
[later at my funeral]
priest: his last words before taking an 70mph F-cup breast to the face were “aw shit that a big tiddy”
mom: [smiles] at least he died doing what he loved
Slam Squat-Thrust retweeted
"I don't understand moths," I say as I finish off another beer. "why do they gravitate to what kills them?" I stand. "anyone need another?"
