The South African government has formally threatened to sue every citizen still accusing it of hating them, calling the claims “malicious, defamatory, and frankly quite rude.” In a lengthy statement issued from a building that still has working lifts, the government clarified that decades of corruption, load-shedding, collapsing infrastructure, unemployment, and potholes the size of small dams should not be taken personally. “We have never once said we hate South Africans,” President Cyril “Cupcake” Ramaphosa told reporters. “We have simply allowed conditions to deteriorate to the point where many of you are now saying it for us. That’s different.” Citizens have been given 48 hours to delete the accusations, issue a public apology, and post a video acknowledging that the government loves them unconditionally — preferably while standing in a queue for water or electricity. Anyone who refuses will be hit with a R1 million defamation claim for the emotional distress caused to officials. Those unable to pay will be sentenced to six years in prison, or until Eskom is fixed, whichever comes last. To show it means business, the government has redirected R500 million originally budgeted for fixing things into a special “Stop Being Mean To Us” legal fund. Officials say they are prepared to prosecute all 63 million South Africans if necessary, adding that this would at least solve the unemployment statistics in the short term.