Post Covid parties: a bunch of people standing around telling each other how good it is to be together again while wishing they were at home in their pajamas

557

24,306

Jason, ex Inferis · Jan 29, 2023 · 2:14 AM UTC

Mat™️ retweeted

Jason, ex Inferis@benedictsred29 Jan 2023

The enemy of my enemy is my mom.

133

10,485

Böb Jänke: Hönkÿ · Jan 28, 2023 · 11:47 PM UTC

Mat™️ retweeted

Böb Jänke: Hönkÿ

@Bob_Janke28 Jan 2023

In England Bigfoot is called Bigmeter

213

941

51,631

sojujinbutsu · Jan 27, 2023 · 9:23 PM UTC

Mat™️ retweeted

sojujinbutsu@EdgarPoop127 Jan 2023

The closest the human race has been to god is what we’ve done to the potato

191

630

53,439

inspector ratchet · Jan 28, 2023 · 2:34 PM UTC

Mat™️ retweeted

inspector ratchet@_hood_mona_lisa28 Jan 2023

Good morning to 7 of you only

110

5,680

big boy online · Jan 27, 2023 · 12:15 AM UTC

Mat™️ retweeted

big boy online@idonotbleed27 Jan 2023

cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke

303

2,035

80,084

inspector ratchet · Jan 27, 2023 · 12:41 AM UTC

Mat™️ retweeted

inspector ratchet@_hood_mona_lisa27 Jan 2023

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

180

8,044

Fomo Simpson · Jan 26, 2023 · 1:17 PM UTC

Mat™️ retweeted

Fomo Simpson@HaliPhacks26 Jan 2023

"How do you like them scalpels" - Surgeons in Boston, probably

128

11,984

The Real Rodney Lacroix · Jan 26, 2023 · 12:09 PM UTC

Mat™️ retweeted

The Real Rodney Lacroix

@RealRodLacroix26 Jan 2023

Going to a political rally to have some classified documents autographed.

3,082

Ben Boven · Jan 25, 2023 · 1:14 PM UTC

Mat™️ retweeted

Ben Boven@benboven125 Jan 2023

Lifehack: Save money on bar soap by not bringing your own soap to the bar.

5,049

Jason, ex Inferis · Jan 25, 2023 · 12:17 AM UTC

Mat™️ retweeted

Jason, ex Inferis@benedictsred25 Jan 2023

Funny how Cher believes in life after love, yet would still like to turn back time.

178

12,642

inspector ratchet · Jan 25, 2023 · 1:37 PM UTC

Mat™️ retweeted

inspector ratchet@_hood_mona_lisa25 Jan 2023

How the hell is it already Wednesday, last time I checked it was 1998

249

14,757

meghan · Jan 24, 2023 · 11:59 PM UTC

Mat™️ retweeted

meghan

@deloisivete24 Jan 2023

me: I'm just tired of lining the pockets of big cyan my printer: 𝐰ha𝐭

157

6,584

Houston Hard Hitters · Jan 24, 2023 · 2:49 PM UTC

Mat™️ retweeted

Houston Hard Hitters@TXRednation0124 Jan 2023

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

231

13,635