Herschel Pennymacker (@pennymacker) | teapawt

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Herschel Pennymacker@pennymacker8 Feb 2022

The cannibals feed me corn and call me “Wagyu,” a sign, I believe, of respect.

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@RunwayDanJul 29

I am, in fact, precisely the right age for this shit.

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One flew over@realcuckoosnest19h

Liar liar France on fire.

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OhThatGregPorter@oh_porterOct 24

John Candy is a really bad euphemism for a urinal cake.

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@AnneHatfieldVO19h

I have deleted Facebook, which means I will no longer know who died fatter than I am, or later than I'd hoped.

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Sean 😐@sergebombaOct 24

The Headless Horseman does Uber *and* Lyft now. This economy… #MeTVThreeStooges

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Wilde Thingy (new account)@Wilde_ThingyOct 24

No matter how many times you call me a heartless monster, I can't un-eat your pet rabbit.

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FR4CKER@fr4ckerjackOct 24

I love when my smartest followers like my dumbest jokes

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Natasha Something@IfIwassomethingOct 24

The long twisty tale about why your brain is referred to as a noodle ends with tomato sauce and fresh basil.

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Natasha Something@IfIwassomethingOct 22

Earning a CDL just to drive that loaded Pepperidge Farm truck away from the factory and never look back.

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Natalie Would@_NatalieWouldMay 1

*gets into an existential debate with CAPTCHA*

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Skurt Vonnegut@ThisLocalHaterOct 21

The wifi in this dude's murder shed fucking sucks

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Skurt Vonnegut@ThisLocalHaterOct 24

Cats would never snitch on you. They will absolutely steal from you though.

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@Henry_3000Oct 24

I simply lack the work ethic, diligence and eye for detail that serial killing requires.

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@Henry_3000Sep 26

Gardening sounds kinda lame. I prefer to say that I raise and slaughter my own vegetables.

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you already know@DrinkingDad_2Aug 28

Not a lot of babies named Stonewall anymore.

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FR4CKER@fr4ckerjackOct 24

"There's been a struggle here." - detective inspecting the chair where I put my socks on

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Toby 🇵🇸@tobestewartOct 24

Me: [*waking up from a nap*] Sir David Attenborough, whispering behind my couch: “Nobody knows why the adult males live so long”

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Skurt Vonnegut@ThisLocalHaterOct 24

Offering everyone at work a slice of gum just to be annoying

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@DamonHunzekerOct 24

More than one singularity is a severalarity.

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@DamonHunzekerOct 23

I’m kind of old-fashioned; I still call collections of songs “albums” and believe living organisms arise spontaneously from non-living matter, such as mice emerging seasonally from river mud, fleas sprouting from dust, and, of course, fully formed geese born of shipwreck jetsam.

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