Me: Another sleepless night. Friend: I thought your youngest kid hasn't been waking up and interrupting your sleep in the middle of the night for a long time now? Me: It's me. I'm the problem now.

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Julio, Marc's Imaginary Pet Monkey · May 23, 2026 · 11:45 AM UTC

AndyrealAlu™️ retweeted

Julio, Marc's Imaginary Pet Monkey@MonkeysMarchMay 23

Marriage: To have and to hold. Divorce: To hold onto half.

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Deann · May 18, 2026 · 4:16 AM UTC

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Deann@CarpeDeannMay 18

Being good at math is a curse. You’re always putting two and two together.

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Julio, Marc's Imaginary Pet Monkey · May 19, 2026 · 2:09 PM UTC

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Julio, Marc's Imaginary Pet Monkey@MonkeysMarchMay 19

On average, I spend about $150 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

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Not Today Eric · May 15, 2026 · 12:32 PM UTC

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Not Today Eric

@NotTodayEricMay 15

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not bloated this is just your body now.

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Lori · May 10, 2026 · 5:30 AM UTC

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Lori@Cornjerker78May 10

“Well my mom loves me” Me: yeah well that’s what makes moms so special…they love you no matter what the hell is wrong with you

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Lori · May 10, 2026 · 5:34 AM UTC

AndyrealAlu™️ retweeted

Lori@Cornjerker78May 10

The more I hate doing something the less time it takes

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Forward March · Apr 25, 2026 · 3:14 PM UTC

AndyrealAlu™️ retweeted

Forward March@RunOldManApr 25

Anyone know if we can make roommate requests for that special place in Hell? – at Herndon, VA

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Lori · Apr 19, 2026 · 6:54 AM UTC

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Lori@Cornjerker78Apr 19

Cats are only nice to us to get food It’s all part of big Purrma

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SpecialKimtamine™ 🏴‍☠️🇺🇸🇮🇹🚩 · Apr 12, 2026 · 2:45 PM UTC

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SpecialKimtamine™ 🏴‍☠️🇺🇸🇮🇹🚩

@LorazeKimApr 12

Tell someone that you love them but scream it at them in German so it’s utterly terrifying

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lals · Apr 5, 2026 · 8:39 AM UTC

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lals@AlanascottishApr 5

Order black coffee and look at ya and say," I don't know how to do that. 🤪😂

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Forward March · Mar 31, 2026 · 12:47 PM UTC

AndyrealAlu™️ retweeted

Forward March@RunOldManMar 31

Some people call me crazy... I prefer the phrase "happy with a twist."

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𝕊𝕥𝕖𝕝𝕪𝕟𝕟 · Mar 31, 2026 · 1:18 PM UTC

AndyrealAlu™️ retweeted

𝕊𝕥𝕖𝕝𝕪𝕟𝕟

@lifeofstelynnMar 31

Be the reason someone says “what the fuck is wrong with you” today.

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