a failed everything

🌏🌈🍄 online since ‘95
Joined June 2019
Before google maps you just had a buddy in another car who said “follow me” then proceeded to run a late yellow at the next intersection.
145
4,843
189
110,088
1,327,794
I could’ve been primordial sludge, why did life have to find a way
13
21
508
Bummer T. Vibes, Esq retweeted
Every baby born today is mad at you
1
12
31
692
Bummer T. Vibes, Esq retweeted
I have deleted Facebook, which means I will no longer know who died fatter than I am, or later than I'd hoped.
3
52
150
2,498
Bummer T. Vibes, Esq retweeted
the keebler elves are two weeks away from developing a nuclear weapon
1
8
1
39
723
Bummer T. Vibes, Esq retweeted
Arms should be removable at bedtime.
28
43
338
6,151
Bummer T. Vibes, Esq retweeted
If you felt a weird shiver on the astral plane, that was me.
5
55
1
116
3,827
Bummer T. Vibes, Esq retweeted
Like an Aldi shopper with no quarter, I stood there stupidly
3
40
143
2,725
Bummer T. Vibes, Esq retweeted
Back in my day you had to go to an Iron Maiden concert if you wanted to see a 12 foot skeleton
1
23
103
1,810
Hey kid covered in chocolate me and wife saw while on holiday ten years ago, we still talk about you.
5
12
306
Bummer T. Vibes, Esq retweeted
Buying undecided voters at Costco
11
18
341
Sorry I’ve been away I’ve been recording an album with my cats.
6
12
240
Bummer T. Vibes, Esq retweeted
pregaming the pool party by pissing my pants
1
4
26
651
Bummer T. Vibes, Esq retweeted
Bought a couch today that cost more than my first car. This is fun. Everything is fine and good and fun.
7
41
141
2,305
Careful buddy, I trained taekwondo in the old pizza hut building.
7
10
258
Bummer T. Vibes, Esq retweeted
[eating lab grown eggs] delicious again Peter the wine does go well with the chicken
7
12
429
Bummer T. Vibes, Esq retweeted
I bet a lot of ventriloquists get started by first absorbing their siblings in the womb.
1
39
67
1,239
The person who named the fireplace was just fucken sick of naming things
107
3,591
82
69,543
913,751
Going to steal every scene I’m in today at work
1
7
12
340
I chewed up the scenery when I was talking to our service department
1
53
Bummer T. Vibes, Esq retweeted
He was originally called the Hamburger Sandwich Burglar.
2
11
22
566
Bummer T. Vibes, Esq retweeted
If your attorney shows up to court wearing a Raiders hat then you're both going to prison.
33
59
1,512